give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
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@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
This is Sparta
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.