#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
You Might Also Like
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?