Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
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When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?