In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
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glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!