Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
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I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”