google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Inside you there are two wolves
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr