superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
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Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
every. time.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.