FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
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Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
This has made my week.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?