*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
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Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.