Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
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I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Bring back the McRib
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
me hitting on a model
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.