My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
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[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
HERE’S MARKY
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH