Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
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“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I feel it
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.