Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
You Might Also Like
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge