Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
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[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.