I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
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if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*