Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
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Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”