Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
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I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Heroic Misunderstanding
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
The other day I opened the center console in my wife鈥檚 vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 馃槖
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
I鈥檝e had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how鈥檚 your quarantine going?
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn鈥檛 add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
DATE: I鈥檓 just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I鈥檓 looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit