Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
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[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019