A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
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Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.