What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
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my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
No. YOU-buprofen.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.