I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
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You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then