Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
You Might Also Like
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect