Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
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me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
house sitting!
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19