Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
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I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Seems kinda suspicious
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
We all have our pet causes.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably