He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
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Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.