[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
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I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!