Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
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You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Finally, a door that understands me
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
so much to do
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
He-man has a Masters degree
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”