If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
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wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Cause of death: Zumba
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.