waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
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I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Ain’t no way
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*