Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
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How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.