i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
You Might Also Like
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Woke up against my better judgement again
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.