You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
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[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
We’ve come full circle
Monica just destroyed the internet
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon