Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
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orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
taking June’s advice to heart
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.