I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
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[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
hackers play passwordle
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.