They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?