Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
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kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”