if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
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Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.