If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
You Might Also Like
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
my friends when i can’t do basic math
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.