Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
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6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”