soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
You Might Also Like
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store