My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
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I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
(yawn)
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.