Fabio hasn’t aged a day
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*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!