When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
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I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there