cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
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Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Accurate
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’