Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
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I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.