The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.