Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
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Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I’d love this…lol
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?