Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
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Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.