Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
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Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.