I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
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you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.